Relationships can be an important part of our journey here, but they can also be complex creations that are nuanced and difficult to navigate. We seem to fall out of love as quickly as we fall into it, and we can find ourselves bouncing from relationship to relationship, or dealing with heartache after heartache, all in an effort to find “the one”.
More often than not, our relationships take a nose-dive due to a number of toxic behaviors that come from both ourselves and our partners. Whether we know we’re engaging in this behavior or not, it can destroy our sense of self and drive a wedge between our partners and ourselves when we don’t pay careful attention. Overcoming these behavior requires facing up to them, but also facing up to ourselves. Once you accept things as they are, you can make a plan to change them. That requires you committing to the journey, though, and all the ups and downs that entails.
The happy couple as an idea and in practice.
We all have our own ideas on what the “perfect couple” looks like, but many of us struggle to ever achieve even a shadow of that ideal. We struggle from relationship to relationship, never quite finding the right one and never quite feeling at home in the direction that we’re taking. Happiness seems to allude us, and fights seem to be the norm. Struggling through the blind, we rarely stop to consider, “What am I doing wrong?”
There are a number of subtle, toxic behaviors we engage in that poison the waters of our relationships. Whether it’s emotional manipulation, or straight-out lying — we push our partners away through poor decisions, cowardly behavior and insecurities unaddressed. All things we are responsible for working through on our own.
It’s one thing to imagine the happy partnership, but it’s another thing to apply the work that it takes to build such a partnership. In practice, creating a life with another person requires us to build a better knowledge of self and a better knowledge of our own faults and shortcomings. We have to embrace who we are in order to define what we want…things that are all required in order to create a stable and healthy relationship. Read on to learn more about why you detonate your relationships, or undermine your happiness through toxic relationship behavior.
Why we destroy our relationships.
Generally, we don’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin our relationships. It’s a process that happens over time and as a result of poor choices or poor behavior. From self-esteem deficiencies, to skewed ideas on happiness — these are the most common reasons that we destroy our joy and our partnerships.
Low self-esteem? Think you’re not worthy of a stable relationship or honest love and affection? The longer you hold onto these kinds of beliefs (even if you don’t realize them) the more damaging they become to your relationships and your overall outlook on life and romance. You can’t be a confident partner without being a confident person. In order to feel good about connecting with other people, we have to first feel good about who we are on an authentic level.
The lessons we learn in childhood are lessons that follow us through life. The way we learn to connect and love from our parents, is often the same way we connect and love with our partners later on in life. While these lessons can be shining examples of how to be and how to love, they can also be toxic lessons that teach us wrong (or false) “truths” that misdirect us and cause us longterm heartache. Though we may be victims of trauma, it is our responsibility to clean up the mess and find a way to realize the true depth of our love and compassion.
We don’t like to admit it, but some of us sabotage our relationships because we’re too cowardly to end them ourselves. For those who avoid confrontation at all costs, the idea of initiating a breakup can be overwhelming. Pushing the other partner into pulling away or otherwise fracturing the partnership? That’s some passive-aggressive avoidance that feels right more at home for the person who is too scared to let their partner know they’re no longer in lovee.
Wrong ideas on happiness
How do you define your happiness? Is your happiness determined by the job you have or the material goods you purchase? Or is it detremined by whether or not you are partnered up romantically? There are a million different ways we can define our happiness, but when that definition doesn’t align with our authentic values — we forever find ourselves chasing the next best thing. When we have the wrong ideas on what happiness means for us, it leads to detonations and fractures in our relationships that could have been avoided with a little self-realization.
The most common ways we detonate our romantic relationships.
From forming “me vs. you” mentalities, to engaging in emotional manipulation — there are a number of poisonous behaviors we engage in that can detonate our romantic relationships. We don’t get to choose whether or not these behaviors impact the people around us. All we can do is embrace them for what they are in order to create a plan to change them…