New love is exciting, but it can lead us into painful places when we’re not careful. Occasionally, we find our pulses rushing and our stomachs tumbling for someone who isn’t quite the right fit. Despite our instincts, many of us continue on — heedless of the heartbreak that is inevitably coming our way. We have to stop picking the wrong partners and start picking the right ones. But how? By waking up to the reality of our needs and getting real about the patterns that are keeping us small.
Whether you’ve found yourself with someone who is abusive, or someone who just speaks a different love language from you — building a happy relationship is up to you. We choose who to surround ourselves with, and we allow people to treat us with either disrespect or respect. Only when you get honest and proactive about what you want from a partnership, can you get real about kicking the mismatches to the curb. Radically accept what you want and use that acceptance to find a relationship that makes your heart sing.
Not every relationship is meant to be.
Though we like to think of ourselves as omnipotent and infallible masters of our own little universe — nothing could be further from the truth. As humans, we are flawed, and that leads to flawed decision making and flawed relationships. We pick the wrong people sometimes, and that has a big impact on our happiness and our state of wellbeing. If we want to pick partner that are better suited to our needs, we have to embrace those needs and the knowledge that comes with them.
Our relationships have a profound impact on our beliefs and the way we see ourselves in the world around us. They inform our world views and shape our opinions on self. Not every relationship is meant to be though, and that requires accepting some personal responsibility.
We don’t just wake up one day and decide to stay with someone who is wrong for us. It’s a process that happens slowly, and it’s one that’s impacted by a number of factors (not least of which can be our history of childhood trauma). Part of cultivating the courage we need to kick these partners to the curb is learning how to embrace and understand our needs and desires. Something which requires some radical self-acceptance as well a massive dose of personal courage.
Missing the signs right in front of us.
We might be able to accept that we occasionally make the wrong romantic choice, but do we always consider the deeper reasons behind those choices? Before you can accept the warning signs, you need to accept why you keep attracting less love into your life than you want or deserve.
If you can’t respect yourself, it’s hard to find other people that will respect you either. Feeling good about ourselves is important; loving ourselves even more so. Poor self-esteem is one of the number reasons people find themselves trapped in relationships that don’t suit them, but that self-esteem too comes from a number of different places.
Rather be unhappy than alone
We live in a society that constantly tells us that our worth is a direct correlation of our relationship status. Clinging to relationships simply because you’re too scared to be alone is no justification. As humans, it’s natural to want a partner, but it has nothing to do with our true happiness, as this can only be defined by ourselves alone. Making your happiness dependent on another person will always result in failure. Learning how to make yourself happy, though? That lasts forever.
Fear of breaking the cycle
As humans, we’re creatures of habit, but those habits can quickly become corrosive or self-defeating. The real problem, however, is that even when that’s the case — we often don’t walk away. Why? Because the familiar is more comfortable than the unfamiliar; a known bad is perceived to be safer than an unknown potential good. So many of us fear breaking the cycle of bad partners because it’s all we’ve ever known. So we stay in poor fits and wait for a miracle that never comes.
Signs your new love interest is a bad fit.
Having doubts or second thoughts about the person you’re about to commit to? These are the warning signs that they might be exactly the wrong fit for your life and your future vision.
They don’t want kids
Family planning is such a crucial part of figuring out our love match compatibility. Children and family-building is one of those no-go compromise zones. It’s not fair to expect someone else to give up so much of their life for your dreams alone. The family question is a big one, and it’s one that has to be answered…rather than ignored. If they don’t share your expectations of family, they’re not a good fit. Have the conversation soon and candidly. Don’t hold back or expect the other person to “change their minds”…