Long-term relationships go through a number of peaks and valleys over the years, and that includes the levels of sexual intimacy they experience. Sometimes, we’re so attracted to our partners that it makes it hard to concentrate. At other moments, it’s impossible to imagine ourselves giving them more than a hug. While some of these ebbs and flows are natural, a long-term intimate disconnect is not. It can be a sign of bigger issues.
If your partner doesn’t want to sleep with you any more, there could be a number of concrete reasons why. Understanding these reasons comes down to embrace reality and accepting the warning signs that are being sent our way. Whether your partner is just pulling away emotionally, or refusing to sleep with you altogether — there are generally some solutions out there for us, but they require some brutal honesty across the board.
Sex is a crucial part of most relationships.
While not every intimate relationship in our life is dictated strictly by the bonds of sex — for most of us, this level of physical intimacy is a crucial part of building a romantic partnership. Getting sexual makes it easier to bond, and it allows us to be vulnerable to our partners on a number of levels. Sex brings couples closer together, but when that sex starts to slip? It can be a sign of something far more serious.
A partner who pulls away emotionally (or stops engaging) is a partner who is no longer interested in sex. While these changes in intimacy might be temporary, they might also mean that there are some holes in your relationship which need to be bridged.
It falls to us to address these intimacy issues and honestly express how they’re impacting us and our sexual needs. Building relationships is all about a give and take, but that requires us to sit down and open up to one another candidly. Stop allowing your intimacy issues to fester and get to the root of what’s going wrong inside the bedroom and outside of it too. The sooner you get proactive about correcting what’s gone off the rails, the sooner you’ll find a solution that works for everyone.
When your partner is avoiding intimacy.
Think your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore? There are a number of surprising warning signs that you might be right.
Pulling away emotionally
Many of us tend to think of sexual intimacy strictly in terms of bedroom activities, but in reality emotional desertion is usually the first sign that a physical drought is not long to follow. When we’re struggling with our partners sexually, it’s usually because we’re already struggling to connect with them emotionally. Without that emotional connection, it’s hard to get excited about being so vulnerable with someone.
Little physical affection
Physical affection (not including sexual acts) are crucial to our romantic relationships and help us to express our emotional and sexual desire for one another. Such small acts of affection like hand-holding, patting the bum, and even whispering something unexpected into your partner’s ear at a public event can go a long way to arouse their interest and make them feel excited about you. If your partner is paying the lip service, but they are no longer giving you the physical affection that confirms those feelings — they may not want to sleep with you until changes are made.
Avoidance becomes common
Have you noticed that your spouse or partner changes the subject every time you bring up sex? Do they come up with excuses any time you try to initiate the act? These, along with indicators like shifted schedules, can indicate a partner that no longer wants to be sexually intimate. Whether they avoid the act by going to bed early, or they avoid it by shutting down communication, it’s imperative that you both get realistic and face up to the issues before they destroy your relationship completely.
Rushing through the act
Not all intimate disconnects involve a “drying up” of sex completely. Some partners will still engage in the act, but you might notice some distinct differences in their performance or the way they engage with you. You might get them in bed, but when you do things feel rushed and disconnected. They might be checking out, or they may even go so far as to make you the soul focus (in order to rush the act). It’s important to spot the signs and notice when something is off.
While most relationships generally have a more sexually aggressive partner, both parties should initiate sex in their own when we’re within a happy and balanced partnership. Even the meekest of partners will hint at their desire for you, but a partner who’s shut down on the topic completely? They don’t talk about it, they don’t hint at, they don’t flirt with the idea of sex. As far as you’re concerned, there’s no initiation. This type of disconnect isn’t normal. It’s alarming and should be addressed with a serious conversation.
Closed-off body language
If you’re concerned that your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, look for closed off body language that might otherwise be meant to keep you at bay. This includes failing to give you eye contact; but it also includes crossed arms, and legs, and relatively aggressive or short stances. The same goes for sex. Look for a partner who jumps up quickly to leave after the act, or who limits themselves beyond the norm when you do engage in the act (leaving clothes on, lights off, etc).
Why your partner doesn’t want to be intimate.
Understanding that your partner no longer wants to be intimate isn’t enough. You need to understand where this withdrawal is coming from so that you can work together to create a more fulfilling and balanced intimate life. If your partner has pulled away from you in the bedroom, look to these reasons for some basic answers…